« Powrót do

Shyness in communicating with girls.


A lot of people are familiar with the problem of shyness. It can be said that shyness is a psychological state that prevents interaction with other people, and is accompanied by an inner experience of discomfort, awkwardness, shyness, stiffness, fear.

Shyness is a serious obstacle to meeting new people, prevents its owner from expressing his own opinion, contributes to the experience of loneliness and anxiety.

The degree of shyness is different. Some people limit themselves to experiencing mild discomfort when they are in the company of strangers, while others experience real fear when they need to make a phone call.

Often the reason for shyness is, on the one hand, lack of self-confidence and low self-esteem (people will not be interested in me; they will not like me; they will laugh at me; they will answer me rudely; they will ignore me), and on the other hand, lack of communication skills, that is, communication skills (I do not know what to say; I do not know how to keep up a conversation).

It would seem that there is nothing good in shyness, they only create obstacles in life. However, let's look at shyness from the other side, from the one called "secondary benefit of the disease".

What advantages does shyness give to its owner?

-Shyness protects from failures in communication. After all, if you did not approach the person you liked, then you will definitely not be rejected. A kind of motivation to avoid failure.

-A shy person gives the impression of being more restrained and balanced, no one will call him an upstart.

-Shy people rarely find themselves in conflict situations, that is, they protect themselves from the stresses associated with conflicts.

- Shyness allows you to be alone.

-Shy people are perceived as attentive listeners.

-Shyness allows you to maintain a certain safe distance.

That is why not all people are ready to get rid of their shyness.

What does a shy person feel?

Let's talk about how a shy person feels. What moments give him special discomfort?

1. The feeling that others see the manifestation of his shyness. For example, that a person does not participate in a conversation, is silent, avoids eye contact, does not take the initiative in any actions.

2. Physiological symptoms of the body. Among them are redness of the face, increased heartbeat, sweating, trembling in the extremities. Fear of the manifestation of these reactions can stop a person from participating in a general conversation.

3. A sense of self-concentration, stiffness. Shy people tend to introspect, you can even say that they are overly concerned about themselves.

External and internal introspection can be distinguished.

External introspection is concern about what impression a person will make on others (what will they think of me?).

Internal introspection is negatively colored thoughts about oneself, a kind of spiritual self-flagellation (I'm a jerk, I'm a freak).

Based on these two types of introspection, we can conclude that there are two types of shy people.

Outwardly, a shy person is concerned about his behavior, clumsiness, blunders. He avoids situations in which it is necessary to interact with people. Rarely becomes a leader.

An internally shy person disguises himself well, so much so that others may not even guess about his shyness. However, this does not cancel out the internal struggle that is taking place in his soul. For example, people in public professions (actors, singers) may also consider themselves shy.

Of course, the allocation of these types is very conditional. Both types of traits may well be present in one person.

And now let's list the situations that plunge people into shyness:

-Public speaking in front of a large group of people;

- The company of strangers;

- A large group of people;

-Representatives of the opposite sex;

-Groups of people of lower social status;

-Persons of authority;

- Situations in which I am evaluated.

Why do people become shy?

There is no clear and unambiguous answer to this question. Think about it, have you always been shy or have you become so at some point in time? Many clients recall that in childhood they had some event associated with public censure, after which shyness appeared. For example, in kindergarten, the teacher humiliated or shamed the child for some minor offense in front of the whole group. This situation was perceived by the child as extremely painful, and the child had a fear that something like this could happen again. Since then, he has been afraid to address adults and speak in front of the public.

Or this is the situation: the child did not attend kindergarten, and when he came to school, it turned out that many classmates already know each other and are not too eager to accept a new person into their company. And the child got the impression that they don't want to be friends with him or don't even notice him. His communication skills are less developed, because he is not used to interacting with the team in kindergarten. In this situation, the child is also experiencing a situation of public rejection.

A lot of children complain that they can't find friends. Already at this stage, parents should think about the development of the child's communication skills, help him overcome this problem, and not let the situation take its course.

Shyness is especially acute in adolescence, when communication with peers becomes the leading activity. And here the teenager is faced with the understanding that he is not very good at this very communication.

Bullying in the team also contributes to the development of shyness. Again, the situation of public rejection becomes extremely traumatic.

So, behind shyness lies the fear of social rejection and a lack of communication skills.

How to overcome shyness?

I wrote above that shyness often appears as a result of some traumatic event. If this is exactly what happened in your case, then it is very important to analyze this episode.

1. Now you are no longer the little child who could not stand up for himself, you are already an adult who is able to take care of himself, and if something like this happens to you, then you will be able to fight back. And then you were a child and could not resist the situation in any way, and it's not your fault.

2. It is also worth thinking about the fact that adults could also behave incorrectly. After all, the teacher could take you aside and calmly explain what you were wrong about, and not humiliate you in front of the whole group, getting sadistic pleasure from it.

3. Think about what is the probability that a similar situation will happen in your current life? What situations are causing you anxiety at the moment?

4. Describe what exactly scares you, what picture appears before your eyes when you think about a public speech / conversation with your boss / phone call? Imagine the most disastrous option.

5. Assess how likely such a catastrophic outcome of events is?

6. Think over a step-by-step strategy of your behavior. How will you get in? What do you say? How will you behave if your worst fears come true? Having a behavior plan will help you reduce anxiety before any stressful event.

7. If possible, rehearse your speech in front of a mirror, look at yourself from the outside. You can take a picture of yourself on camera or record it on a dictaphone. This will allow you to evaluate yourself more objectively.

8. Watching other people also helps. For example, observe how classmates/work colleagues react when someone else has to speak in front of the public, not you? Are they laughing at him? Are they listening attentively? Do they ask tricky questions? And how does the speaker himself behave? How does he react to the audience? Perhaps, using the example of another person, you will see that there is no catastrophe. So why should a catastrophe happen to you?
Shyness can really interfere with communication with a girl on a date. But you should prepare well and read the article on the website cupid.com. Here you can find a lot of useful tips on how to overcome your shyness and start a pleasant conversation with a girl. I have tried these tips and I can say that it works.